Print Share

An Easy Doubter

There I was, standing in my cap and gown with diploma in hand. I had just graduated from seminary. Exciting, right? As I tried to grasp the reality that I was finally finished, I could not help shake the feeling that everything around was moving except me. A whirlwind of knowledge had zoomed right past and it felt as though my mind had retained none of it. In fact, now that I was done, I had a lot more questions than answers. What followed was three years of serious doubting and wondering if any of this — this religion, this way of life — was even real.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not your typical “skeptic.” I am a 20-something mother of two, wife of a stud, and live in “the burbs.” I grew up in a conservative Christian home and have not recently undergone any tragedy that would provoke this kind of doubt. But somehow, normal, everyday life has brought these questions about — seemingly out of thin air.

One of my first stunningly blunt questions was: how can we be sure that Jesus-as-God wasn’t just some cover-up story from a guilty adolescent named Mary who was accidentally knocked up and who, to save face, made up a bogus tale? After all, doesn’t it seem like other religions are founded on elaborate tales? (That was what I believed growing up, anyway.)

And this was just one of my many haunting questions. But believe me, the cave went much deeper, diploma or no diploma. Talk about bad timing.

Philip Yancey’s words in Reaching for the Invisible God were eerily familiar:

“A person reared in a Christian home, who has absorbed the faith along with other family values from trusted parents, will one day face a crisis that puts loyalty to the test. She may have had religious experiences, may have felt something of the closeness of God. Without warning, that sense vanishes. She feels nothing except doubts over all that has gone before. Faith loses all support of feeling, and she wonders if she has been living under illusion. At such a moment it may feel very foolish to ‘stand firm.’ Faith can survive periods of darkness but only if we cling to it in the midst of the darkness.”

Who Do You Say That I Am?

Recently, a dear friend of mine asked, “Hey, how’s your spiritual life these days?” This particular friend knows the heavy doubts I’ve battled over these last few years, so coming from her it was not a “let-me-give-you-this-tract” question after which she leaves and we never have a real conversation about it again. My answer was honest. What came out of my mouth even surprised me. I told her I’m coming to live with the fact that I am just an easy doubter.

At the beginning of my doubt-swimming, I was in complete shock I even had questions at all. Given my background, I was not the one who was “allowed” to doubt. (Right?) But now, I’m definitely over the shock and most of the fear. In fact, I have discovered along the way that there are many struggling with similar feelings. (For instance, Yancey admits that, “Doubts gnaw away at me.”)

But in the midst of questions, I imagine this God asking little ol’ me the same question he asked his disciples: “Who do YOU say that I am?” This question always hits me hard; it brings my questions to the heart of the matter. Jesus, if he really is God, must take my answer very personally. And when I turn my thoughts to answer this God, I can’t help but say, “I know you’re real.”

This quiets me, at least for a little while.

A Wager Worth Taking?

If, as Blaise Pascal’s Wager stipulates, no deity actually exists and the atheist is right, then…who cares? If there is absolutely nothing — no God, no heaven, no hell — we will not have the capacity to be disappointed after death. But if all this ends up being true, I will be eternally grateful that I chose to hang on to what little semblance of faith I had. So what’s to lose by choosing to believe? Pascal’s is hard logic to ignore, but far from thoroughly satisfying.

I also think about my daughter and son. Without question, I would much rather say to them, “Guess what? I believe you were created on purpose at this specific time by a God who loves you unconditionally and has a part for you to play in this universal story of his!” That rather than ignoring questions about why they’re here and where they’re from because I don’t want to give them a hopeless and depressing answer.

Faith — even a little bit of it — seems worth protecting. But is the Christian faith “it?”

Do You Also Want To Leave?

In John 6:60-66, Jesus tells his disciples some pretty heavy stuff. When he is finished, a lot of the disciples following him choose to leave. He then turns and asks the Twelve, “Do you also want to leave?” Peter replies, “Master, to whom would we go?”

On my journey, I began studying other faiths and looking into the lives of those who profess them: Hindus, Buddhists, Atheists (the most), and even Unitarians. To make a long story short, I found no other religion or system of beliefs any better than this one. If Christianity isn’t “it,” then nothing else is either, for many reasons too long to include here. I was back to square one: I decided to believe the Jesus story and just start dealing, one by one, with all the questions that come with it.

My real advanced seminary degree had finally begun.

I identify with the following taken from Yancey’s book when he quotes a guy named Trueblood: “Occasionally we talk of our Christianity as something that solves problems, and there is a sense in which it does. Long before it does so, however, it increases both the number and intensity of the problems. Even our intellectual questions are increased by the acceptance of a strong religious faith...If a man wishes to avoid the disturbing effect of paradoxes, the best advice is for him to leave the Christian faith alone.”

Although my questions are not all answered, I’m now on a more authentic journey that is really more about the state of my heart than the knowledge in my head.

If you know someone who is currently struggling with questions or severe doubts, extend mercy and a listening ear and don’t be quick to judge (or you’ll probably never hear from him or her about it again). It takes vulnerability to be honest, so be sensitive. And, if you are a fellow easy doubter, hang in there and keep questioning and searching. God likes to be sought out, I think.

Even by know-it-all seminary grads.